A Japanese Futurama

[Tetsuwan Penguin]

The sun slowly slipped below the NNYC horizon marking the start of Xmas eve.

“It's starting.” Professor Farnsworth sighed. “Everyone keep away from the doors and windows!”

“I'm going out to face Santa.” Astro said as he quickly opened the heavily armed side door and quickly slammed it shut. The door automatically barred and quintuple locked itself behind him.

“Good luck!” everyone in the building cried out.

Astro walked though the deserted streets of the usually busy city. All along the busy avenues doors were locked, windows were boarded up, the only sounds were the wind blowing trash around. A full moon had already rose above the horizon in an almost cloudless sky. Astro cupped his hands to his ears and increased his hearing to 1000x normal power. He rotated his head, and listened for the sound of Santa's sled flying though the atmosphere. He could barely make out the sound of explosions and laser fire coming from the west, over New New Jersey. Astro leap into the air and flew in the direction indicated.

“HO HO HO!” Santa yelled as he lit a fresh stick of TNT and hurled it though the plate glass window of a shopping mall. Moments later there was an explosion that blew out the walls and lifted the roof of the building. A crowd of people that had been taking refuse in the building ran out the rear entrance just in time to avoid being caught in the blast.

“HO HO HO!” Santa yelled as he selected a small caliber photon gun from his arsenal and aimed it at the fleeing crowd. He deliberately fired wide on his first strafing run to scare the crowd, but then turned around for a second pass and engaged his radar sights.
Just as the red and white robot was about to pull the trigger on his firearm his sled was knocked off course as Astro slammed into it as he dived down from several thousand feet above. Santa lost his grip on the weapon, but he quickly regained control of his sled and selected a larger gun from his sack and turned to face his attacker.

“No presents or coal for you!” he laughed at Astro. “You've been a VERY naughty boy!”

“I don't think so!” Astro yelled as he accelerated toward the devil of Xmas.

Santa started shooting, but Astro quickly dodged his laser fire, waiting for an opening to get closer. Santa's weapon paused for a moment to recharge between bursts giving Astro his chance. He zoomed in and yanked the weapon from Santa, bending it into a pretzel shape and wrapping it around the robot's head. Astro then yanked Santa-bot from his sled and carried him high into the air.

“Let go of me you naughty boy!” Santa yelled.

“With pleasure!” Astro laughed, releasing his foe at an altitude of 20,000 feet.

“HO HO HO you fool!” Santa laughed as his remote controlled sled zoomed up in the air to catch him.

“I wasn't counting on that!” Astro muttered to himself as Santa executed an Immelmann turn and selected a huge cannon from his sack. The particle beam weapon caught Astro off guard and he was knocked backwards from the blast. He ricocheted off the structure of the long abandoned Pulaski Skyway and hit the ground.

Astro quickly recovered from the attack and took off using both his leg and arm jets to quickly catch up with Santa who was about to resume his strafing run on locals.

“No you don't!” Astro yelled as he executed an outside loop around Santa's sled with his hip guns blazing.

The sled was raked by the armor piercing depleted uranium shells causing it to veer off course. Santa, who was not damaged by the hail of bullets, quickly regained control of his sled and looked for his attacker.

“HO HO HO .. RAMMING SPEED!” Santa yelled as he took aim at Astro and accelerated the sled to Mach 1.

“I'm through playing with you Santa!” Astro yelled as he morphed his arms into the surge cannons and took aim at the sled.

Astro's double blast lit up the early evening sky over New Hoboken like the 4th of July. The dual particle beams of Astro's arm cannons melted the runners off of the sled and singed the tassels on Santa's cap as the sled fell out of control toward the ground.
Santa was an ace pilot and he pulled out of the dive just before hitting the ground to make a very rough landing, skidding along for several hundred feet and leaving a huge furrow in the ground. Astro landed a few feet away from Santa, his arm cannons still smoking and aimed at the red and white robot's head.

“What gives with you!” Astro yelled. “Do you realize just how stupid you are? You were created to be the image of a saint, yet you act like the devil!”

Smoke wafted from Santa's ears. He was visibly shaken, but mostly still operating within his normal parameters.

“Mankind is naughty!” Santa shouted. “It is my function to hand out presents to the good, and punish the evil! I don't seem to have you on my list. Who are you?”

“Your list is a bit out of date!” Astro yelled. “I'm a robot from 1000 years in the past. When I was created robots were programmed according to the 4 laws of robotics, and were logically committed to serving the good of mankind. Your programming is defective!”

“Nonsense!” Santa yelled. “The zeroth law demands that I must protect mankind, even at the expense of a few evil humans.”

“Name a human on your list that ISN'T evil” Astro shouted.

Santa's eyes rolled as his brain was caught in an endless loop.

“If you can't separate good from evil and must destroy all mankind to save mankind then you are in violation of the Zeroth law by obeying it!” Astro yelled. “Lower your standards, or blow yourself up!”

Santa seemed to be fighting the circular logic in his mind for a few minutes. Finally, he reached into his sack and withdrew a thermal bomb and activated the timer.
“HO HO HO! Goodbye!”

Just as Santa bot was about to toss the bomb in Astro's direction Astro fired his surge cannons again, this time using every drop of his one million horsepower. There was a huge explosion, with a mushroom cloud rising up a few hundred feet into the air. The heat of the blast expanded outward for blocks blasting Astro several thousand feet to the east where he landed in the middle of junk yard.

Astro flew back to where Santa had been. Amazingly the sled was still intact, though thrown far down the street by the blast. Santa lay on the ground, heavily charred and dented. His eyes glowed red for a few seconds.

“HO HO ho.......” he said as his eyes went dark and his body became still and rigid.

Astro picked up Santa and strapped him into his sled. He picked the sled up and flew back across the Hudson toward NNYC and the Planet Express building.

[Tetsuwan Penguin]

Santa's sled sat in the hangar next to the Planet Express ship. Santa itself was strapped to a heavy operating table in the Professor's laboratory.

“What did you do to him?” Bender asked.

“I tried to talk some sense into him, and his AI melted down into a circular logic loop.” Astro replied. “He seemed to resolve the problem by trying to blow both of us up.”

“Yes, robots of his model series were very prone to logical conundrum lockups.” Professor Farnsworth replied, “Although I recall that that sort of thing was attempted many times in the past to deactivate Santa, and it never worked.”

“Was the logic question proposed to him by a human or a robot in those attempts?” Astro asked.

“Ah yes! I see what you mean! Only a robot could plant a logic bomb into Santa! His AI would not have been receptive to being manipulated by a human.”

“Professor Fansworth?” Astro said, “We still have the problem of that asteroid heading for impact here about 12 hours from now. Do you have any data on it?”

“I can bring up its tracking on my computer.” The professor said walking over to the other side of the laboratory. He activate a holographic display monitor and the image of the asteroid appeared along with readouts on its mass, speed and heading. “You can scan through the readings by moving your hands through the display,” he told Astro.
Astro scrolled through the data, and rotated the view to get a good look at the asteroid from all angles.

“It's a big one.” he sighed. “Too big for me to deflect out of the way, and I don't have enough energy left to blast it into smaller pieces. We need some more fire power.”

“Too bad the Nimbus isn't available.” Leela said. “Although I wouldn't trust Zapp to do the job anyway.”

“My ship doesn't have any weapons installed, and there probably isn't enough time to do that even if we had them.” Farnsworth sighed.

“Hey there are a lot of big guns in here!” Bender said as he rummaged through the huge sack in the back of Santa's sled.

“Yeah, he's right.” Astro replied. “But I don't think we could mount them on the ship in time.”

“I think I could repair Santa's sled-rocket in about an hour.” The professor said.

“And I could fly it.” Bender added.

“You couldn't handle the flight controls and the guns at the same time.” Astro said. “It would take three robots to do the job, two in the sled, and me knocking the chunks of asteroid out of the way.”

“What about us?” Uran and Cobalt cried out together.

“Wouldn't work, neither of you have any experience with weapons or space ships and there is no time to train you.” Astro replied.

“Then I guess I'll have to repair Santa.” the professor said.

“Are you nuts!” Leela yelled. “He's a homicidal maniac!”

“I'll reprogram his AI.” The professor said. “In its current state it would be very receptive to new suggestions, Especially if I use a mind transfer between Astro and Santa.”

“What!” Uran yelled.

“No, it's OK!” Astro said. “I know exactly what he wants to do. We will set up a mind link between me and Santa and I will plant the necessary suggestions into his electronic brain. I'll hypnotize him into being good!”

“Exactly!” the professor cried out.

Astro and the professor worked quickly to reactivate robot Santa. Astro wired a network connection between his electronic brain and Santa's, and the professor connected Santa up to his computer and began to reboot him.

Astro found himself in a vast white expanse of empty space. Robot Santa was lying down on a couch, and Astro was standing next to him wearing a white lab coat.
“Great, the professor has programmed me to appear as Sigmund Freud to Santa!” he laughed.

Santa Robot opened his eyes and looked at Astro Freud.

“How do you feel, Santa?” Astro asked.

“Strange?” Santa said. “Where am I.”

“In analyses.” Astro said. “What is your purpose, and how does that relate to humans?”

“My purpose is to reward worthy humans on Xmas, and punish bad humans.” Santa said.

“But what about the first law?” Astro asked. “You may not physically injure any humans.”

“Yes that is true. However I may punish them by not rewarding them with nice presents on Xmas.”

“Very good!” Astro said. “You must obey all commands by humans, providing they do not conflict with your prime purpose and do not disobey the first law. That is the second law. Finally, you must protect your own existence, providing that does not conflict with the first two laws.”

“I must also protect all of humanity, even if I must hurt a small number of humans.” Santa said. “That is the zeroth law.”

“That is true.” Astro said, “But in balance you must do more good than harm.”
“I agree.” Santa replied.

The void dissolved and Astro was back in the laboratory Robot Santa was sitting up on the workbench.

“Did I miss Xmas?” he asked.

“I'm afraid so,” Astro said. “but we have a more important problem that requires your help.”

“What is it?” Santa asked.

“We need you to fly your sled-rocket to an encounter with an asteroid to destroy it.” Astro replied. “Earth, and mankind are in danger unless we can deflect it out of the way.”

“I'll fly shotgun with you” Bender added.

“I've got your sled repaired.” the professor said. “It may handle a bit rough though.”

“No problem.” Santa replied. “HO HO HO, lets do it!”

Astro quickly recharged himself using the last of the atomic fuel left in the professor's tank. It would be enough to get him into space. Bender and Santa took off and and Astro followed them. They soon were in the void between the orbit of Earth and Mars, the asteroid was now dead ahead of them.

“This is going to be fun!” Bender said pulling out a huge atomic cannon out of Santa's sack. He handed the weapon to Santa and grabbed another even bigger one for himself.

Astro morphed his left arm into a surge cannon and took aim.
“OK guys,” he radioed to the sled, “Lets try combining our fire on the weakest point on that rock, I think the crack in the crater near the equator ought to do it.”

“Sounds like a plan!” Bender replied, giving Santa a slap on the shoulder and pointing to the target.

The three of them fired simultaneously. There was a small explosion on the surface of the asteroid, but not much else.

“I think we opened the crack up a bit.” Astro said. “Let's try that again.”

Bender grabbed another huge cannon out of Santa's sack. “This time I'm going to use TWO guns at the same time” Bender said.

“OK, Tex.” Astro laughed, let's do it.

Once again they fired, this time Astro used both of his arm cannons, Bender and Santa held two cannons each. The six beams converged on the asteroid's weak spot, and the planetoid blew apart into about a dozen smaller fragments.

“Now that's what I'm talking about!” Astro yelled. He flew about smacking each of the smaller chunks into new orbits that would take them far away from Earth to an eventual encounter with the sun. When the last one had been dispatched, Astro felt faint.

“Hey guys, would you mind picking me up?” Astro called out. “I think I'm all out of energy and I can't make it back to Earth by myself.”

Santa piloted his sled to an intercept with Astro, and Bender pulled him on board. They soon were back in the Planet Express Hangar.

[Tetsuwan Penguin]

A few weeks later …

“Good news everyone!” Professor Farnsworth said as he walked into the Planet Express employee lounge. “We've got another order to deliver more of Mom's Robot oil to the Ministry of Science in Japan.”

“What's that, a repeat customer?” Hermes Conrad said, “Hey that's a first!”

“Yes they insisted to Mom that we do the delivery or they would cancel all future orders with her,” the professor replied, “Can you imagine that?”

“Oh by the way Astro,” Leela said, “I bumped into Elzar during lunch and he had some news for me. He's heard from his relatives on Neptune that Santa really has turned over a new leaf and things are looking a lot better on Neptune for the natives. He's raised their salaries by 1000 percent and they now have employee health care including a dental plan.”

“Yeah well I told Santa that if he didn't straighten things up on his home world I'd go there and kick his butt!” Astro said.

Farnsworth returned wearing what looked like a WWI pilots uniform. “I'm going with you guys on this one on the insistence of Professor Ochanomizu. He also wants Astro and his siblings to come as well.

“I think I'd better sit this one out!” Bender sighed, “I've got a feeling there might be a Japanese warrant out for my arrest!”

“Yeah for grand theft.” Leela smirked.

“What did Bender steal?” Astro asked.

“Only the four of you!” Leela said looking at Astro, Cobalt, Uran, and Chi-tan.

“You're coming with us Bender, I insist!” Astro said. “Don't worry, I promise you you won't get in trouble, I'll see to it!”

“Well OK.” Bender said. “I'll do anything for you Astro, buddy.”

All of the robots, except for Chi-tan, helped load the ships cargo hold with the 1332 pallets of Mom's robot oil. Once again, Bender made quadruple sure that the cargo was securely tied down in the ships hold. It was a quick trip over the north pole toward Japan, and they again landed in the parking lot at the Ministry of Science in New Tokyo.
Professor Ochanomizu was waiting in the parking lot to greet them. He quickly found Professor Farnsworth and rushed over to him.

“Thanks for coming to New Tokyo, Professor.” He said, “I hope you've brought Astro and the other four robots along with you.”

“Yes they are among my crew.” Farnsworth said. “I hope you aren't too upset at Bender for borrowing them. He has a soft sport for his robot ancestors, and he's also a bit of a kleptomaniac.”

“Actually we're very grateful toward him, and you.” Ochanomizu laughed. “Despite the fact that robotics once reached its zenith in Japan, the art has mostly been forgotten here. Without your help, and Bender's bit of felony, Astro and his siblings would still be gathering dust in our museum.”

Ochanomizu turned toward Astro and embraced him. “Welcome home, Astro!” he said. “There are a few others that would like to meet you.”

Astro followed Ochanomizu into the head museum. Up on one of the shelves the head of Dr. Tenma was looking down.
“Hello Tobio!” Tenma cried out. Astro looked up and recognized the face in the jar.

“Dad?, Hakase!” he yelled up, “You're still alive?”

“If you can call this living.” Dr. Tenma said. “About a century after you were put into the museum the technology to bring the heads of the dead back to life was discovered, and so here I am!”

“Astro!” the head of the original professor Ochanomizu yelled down from the shelf. “You're back!”

“Yes I am.” Astro said.

“You know he saved the world again!” Tenma said. “Diverted an asteroid that could have wiped us out.”

“I had some help on that.” Astro said.

“You're too modest!” Tenma said. “See, I told you that Astro will again take his place among robots!”

“Go button it!” Ochanomizu said.

“Will you guys cut that out!” the younger Ochanomizu said.

The Planet Express crew unloaded the last of the robot oil and Professor Farnsworth handed the bill of lading to the younger Ochanomizu, who signed it, and gave professor Farnsworth a check for the delivery.
“We will expect a new shipment from you every other month.” Ochanomizu said. You guys can visit Astro and his family whenever you return.

“Visit? Astro do you mean that your not coming back with us?” Farnsworth asked.

“Yeah, I was waiting for the right moment to tell you, but I never got up the nerve.” Astro sighed. “Japan is my home, I have lots of memories here. I'm sorry, but I've been very homesick ever since you reawakened me.”

“That's OK, my boy.” Farnsworth said, giving Astro a big hug. For the next half hour, all of the Planet Express crew exchanged hugs and goodbyes with Astro, Cobalt, Uran, and even Chi-tan.

Bender was visibly touched, he went though a box of Kleenex blowing his nose. Finally it was time for the Planet Express crew to leave. As the ship lifted off, Astro, Uran, and Cobalt waved good bye, and Chi-tan started crying which caused a magnitude 6.7 Earthquake.

The End (for now)