My astro story! plz comment

[Bakabits]

Here is my astro story! plz comment on the story not the wrting.

Chapter 1: The arrival

Robot assistant: Everything is operational sir.
???: Well prepare for transport and check on our target location.
Robot assistant: okay you should arrive right in front of the ministry. Be careful Astro is fighting the shadow fiend. Don’t let him see you.
???: Let me grab my stuff get the portal opener ready.
Robot assistant: Yes makn.
Makn: Here I go!!!!!!!
*makn opens a portal to metro city. He then jumps in it and falls on top of the ministry.*
Makn: OWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! That was a rough landing. Better go in through the air vent.
<Meanwhile on the outskirt of metro city.>
Astro: Everyone get out of here!!!!
Crowd: AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! HELP US ASTRO!!!!!!!
???: The master needs you astro.
Astro: NEVER!!!!!!!
*Astro shoots the shadow fiend with his arm cannon*
<Back at the ministry makn falls into Dr. O’Shay’s office.>
O’Shay: Who are you?
Makn: I need your help Dr.
O’Shay: With? What are you doing here?
Makn: My name is makn and I have a blueprint for a “pill” that will make me a robot.
O’Shay: why would you need that?
Makn: That shadow is no ordinary enemy…. It is a creature from another world created by a distort in time and space. Please this pill can save our worlds.
O’Shay: our worlds?
Makn: No time to explain just get your best physical scientists and robot engineers to make this pill.
O’Shay: okay but you better be telling the truth.
<back at the outskirts of the city>
Astro: why won’t you die?
*The fiend shoots a shadow laser and astro shuts down.*
Reno: Dr. we have lost sight of astro!!!! Wait who is this?
O’Shay: Reno get our scientists together we have a job to do. Send out a rescue team to get as-
Makn: no I will do it.
*makn throws a weird looking ball and a green dragon comes out. He then sets out to find astro and the ministry gets a team together to make the pill.*

End of Chapter.
In the next chapter: Will makn save astro in time? Will this “pill” be complete? Will the world be saved? Find out in the next chapter.

[Dragonrider1227]

I think "Why won't you die" is a little dark for Astro but it sounds like a good story

[Bakabits]

should i continue the story? Also astro seems like a side character but he is not. it will only be like that for the next 1 or 2 chapters. The story will take place in other 'worlds' in later chapters. In case you havent noticed at the end it said makn went to save astro on a "green dragon" that came out of a ball. well that was actually a rayquaza my favorite pokemon. I am kind of a pokemon fan still. i have liked it since i was 2 and it is hard to get rid of. i dont play it much anymore but rayquaza has been my partner since ruby.

if you want your character to be in the story plz fill out this form:

Character name:
Char age:
What world?(nothing bad plz):
Boy or Girl?:
What is your char like?:
other details:

Here are some Examples of worlds: Runescape, pokemon, world of warcraft, astro boy, any other anime or game or show. plz post some characters.

[Bakabits]

Here is chapter 2:

Chapter 2: The Transformation

<In the sunset Makn is flying into the outskirts of metro city to recover astro.>
Makn: If this Shadow Fiend made astro lose contact with the ministry in the blink of an eye I may know who the culprit is. Better get my scanner out.
*Makn sees astro lying on the floor shaking like he is having a nightmare.*
Makn: Hey buddy drop me off here and weaken the shadow for me will you?
*The Green dragon nods and lets makn off next to astro.*
Makn: Don’t worry astro I just need to scan your brain for a sec.
*Astro is still shaking and makn scans astro’s brain.*
Makn: AH HA! I knew I was right! How are you doing over there rayquaza? Move out of the way for a sec.
*Makn throws a purple and white ball at the shadow. The ball then glows red and stops moving.*
Makn: time to take you back to the ministry astro.
<Meanwhile Dr. O’shay, reno, and other scientists are building the pill like makn asked.>
O’shay: reno what is the status of the pill?
Reno: almost done but we can’t give him a whole pill it would overpower that kid’s body.
O’shay: your right the energy of this pill would kill him. When he comes back tell him to rest and we will give him half a pill in his sleep.
Reno: Right!
*Makn then flys into the room on his rayquaza and lays astro on the other table.*
Makn: is the pill done yet?
Reno: almost why don’t you rest and we will finish it? Hows astro?
Makn: found out what happened. He is in a deep sleep having a nightmare he can’t wake up from.
Reno: o_O is that possible for a robot?
Makn: if he gets attacked by this yes.
*Makn lets the shadow out of the ball.*
Everyone except makn: AAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Put it back!
Makn: ok ok relax. Just give astro some time. And please hide any memories of me in the back of his brain so he can’t remember me for a long time.
Reno: Why?
Makn: I just don’t want him remembering me till later.
*makn leaves the room and goes to sleep in a hospital bedroom next door.*
O’shay: now cut the pill in half and feed it to him through an I.V.
Reno: Yes sir.
<the next morning makn wakes up to find Dr. O’shay scanning his brain.>
Makn: good mourning…… HEY!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!??!?!
O’shay: we fed you the pill in your sleep. I am just scanning your power level. What is it now reno?
Reno: 100,000 horse power and rising.
Makn: o_O OH MY GOD!!! I AM STRONGER THAN ASTRO!!?!???!?!?!?!?!?
Reno: o_O yes just be careful with that pow-
*Makn made a whole in the wall with a light punch.*
Makn: WOOO HOOO!!!!! Where is astro?
O’shay: at school of course. He screamed very loud last night in his room.
Makn: can I be his older brother till I find a way back home? I have nowhere to go.
O’shay: sure but we will pretend you are a robot with feelings like him. Got it?
Makn: You bet! Wait I am a robot right?
O’shay: half and half I am afraid.
Makn: Oh….. ok.
End of chapter.
Next chapter: will makn control his new powers and find his way home? How will astro react to his new brother? Find out in the next chapter.

[Alittleacorn]

Um, wouldn't this be a form of script writing than story telling? =S I'm sorry if i hurt your feelings saying this but it's difficult for me to into this plot without description.

I can't give my own thoughts and judge it in this context. I must sound like a total dork right now but could you try having a go on writing with description? Would really bring it to life.

...;_; p-please put the chainsaw down i'm sorry.

[Bakabits]

if it helps people understand this story better check out this thread: http://forum.runescape.com/forums.ws?49,50,75,58818190 hope it helps!

[Alittleacorn]

if it helps people understand this story better check out this thread: http://forum.runescape.com/forums.ws?49,50,75,58818190 hope it helps!

But, what does that have to do with this? ;_; i'm so confused.

[Bakabits]

let me explain this story and that story and what they have in common. the story on the runescape forums inspired me to write this story like a script. it is confusing but it does have a plot and it will become more interesting. for example, the pokemon reference and how makn got the rayquaza is confusing but it will be revealed at a later chapter. think of this story as a tv show that continues every week. you have to wait for the confusing parts to become clear at a later episode. yes astro and makn will be visiting other "worlds" in later chapters and yes i need people to be in the story. if i get more people and more suggestions i can make this story better. i wanted to use a script format because it is kind of like watching a movie. except you use you imagination to expand on the images that appear in your head. This is the 2003 astro BTW. If it is still confusing after this just expand on what you read in the story. If you have any more questions just ask. i will answer them the best i can.