MY STORY!!!

[CommanderEVE]

Chapter 1: the start

There was a planet called Helta the people on the planet were very smart but the other planets didn’t believe them so planet Helta made robot’s lots of them to help Helta being out in every day life but it all went wrong in 1773 the robots rebelled against Helta beings and started a war because the Helta beings where bulling and nasty just because the new robots where different the robots got smart and made there own planet they called it Delta because in Helta being language that meant warrior any-way the delta beings fort a long 200 yeah war against Helta it ended in 1973 Helta spy’s killed the main leader of delta army R.F. (Robot Force)
So Sparx a delta being was built in 1963 replaced the dead leader delta won the war because they where far superior and advanced but Helta still think that this isn’t over so delta and Helta still struggle and battle each other to destroy each other and here is the story

[jeffbert]

Chapter 1: the start

There was a planet called Helta the people on the planet were very smart but the other planets didn’t believe them so planet Helta made robot’s lots of them to help Helta being out in every day life but it all went wrong in 1773 the robots rebelled against Helta beings and started a war because the Helta beings where bulling and nasty just because the new robots where different the robots got smart and made there own planet they called it Delta because in Helta being language that meant warrior any-way the delta beings fort a long 200 yeah war against Helta it ended in 1973 Helta spy’s killed the main leader of delta army R.F. (Robot Force)
So Sparx a delta being was built in 1963 replaced the dead leader delta won the war because they where far superior and advanced but Helta still think that this isn’t over so delta and Helta still struggle and battle each other to destroy each other and here is the story

This is a run-on sentence. It is very hard to read. You need to organize your ideas before making a story, learn to use punctuation, & a few other things.

There was a planet called Helta the people on the planet were very smart but the other planets didn’t believe them

Believe them about what? Beyond this fragment, I cannot proceed. It is just too jumbled together without any planning or structure. I am not an English Major, but do have 18 credits of College English. I am trying to help, but this is as far as I can go into your work right now.

1. organize your chronology of events
2. make a list of characters & their relationships
3. Start with just a few complete sentences. These sentences should not leave readers wondering what you are talking about, as your work above does.
4. Organize the sentences into paragraphs that are chunks that contain info that is related.

Those are just a few pointers, I do not want to discourage you, but your story needs a lot of work.

[CommanderEVE]

This is a run-on sentence. It is very hard to read. You need to organize your ideas before making a story, learn to use punctuation, & a few other things.

Believe them about what? Beyond this fragment, I cannot proceed. It is just too jumbled together without any planning or structure. I am not an English Major, but do have 18 credits of College English. I am trying to help, but this is as far as I can go into your work right now.

1. organize your chronology of events
2. make a list of characters & their relationships
3. Start with just a few complete sentences. These sentences should not leave readers wondering what you are talking about, as your work above does.
4. Organize the sentences into paragraphs that are chunks that contain info that is related.

Those are just a few pointers, I do not want to discourage you, but your story needs a lot of work.

ok kool thanks... your like a teacher no-offence

BTW... i love making stroys up but English is my worst i got a level 2b in sats in year 9 i don't know where to put the punctuation i find it very hard... i can try as hard as i can but then i end up punching my self in the head or stroming off... i know that sounds selfish but i'm trying to stop it

[CommanderEVE]

so has any one eles read my story yet?... or is it just to s*** to read <<<<sorry about that it just i'm trying really hard to make it better

[DrFrag]

I've read it, but I have trouble understanding it without fullstops (periods). My brain runs out of breath.

I remember being taught fullstops in school and not really understanding it at the time, because it's one of those things you don't really think about the mechanics of. Or maybe they just didn't explain it very well. But I'll give it a shot for you.

Put in a fullstop if it makes sense to put one in. For example:

"There was a planet called Helta the people on the planet were very smart but the other planets didn’t believe them so planet Helta ..."

You can put a fullstop after the first Helta, because "There was a planet called Helta" is a statement. You can say it and it makes sense on it's own, without feeling like anything's been cut in half. So it'd be:

"There was a planet called Helta. The people on the planet were very smart but the other planets didn’t believe them so planet Helta made robot’s lots of them to help Helta being out in every day life but it all went wrong in 1773. The robots rebelled against Helta beings and started..."

After "1773" is another good spot for a fullstop (I've inserted one above), because you could just stop there and have take a sip of drink before continuing and it wouldn't sound strange. Alternatively, a fullstop could have gone after "went wrong", depending on the meaning you want to express. I'm not sure if "in 1773" goes with the part before or the part after, which is an example of why missing fullstops make it hard to read.

The second sentence is still a bit long. Look for where you've joined sentence chunks together with "and" and "but". A "sentence chuck" (I just invented that) is something that could be a sentence on it's own and make sense. You can join sentences with "and" and "but" if they seem too short on their own. Anyway, it's best not to have more than one joining word in a sentence:

"There was a planet called Helta. The people on the planet were very smart but the other planets didn’t believe them so planet Helta made robot’s lots of them to help Helta being out in every day life but it all went wrong in 1773. The robots rebelled against Helta beings and started..."

We can replace the first "but" with a fullstop. So it would read:

"There was a planet called Helta. The people on the planet were very smart. The other planets didn’t believe them so planet Helta made robot’s lots of them to help Helta being out in every day life but it all went wrong in 1773. The robots rebelled against Helta beings and started..."

Now it flows a bit better, but the new third sentence still feels a bit awkward. We've also got two short sentences at the start which we can join up. So a better way to write it could be:

"There was a planet called Helta and the people on the planet were very smart. The other planets didn’t believe them so planet Helta made robot’s lots of them to help Helta being out in every day life. But it all went wrong in 1773 when the robots rebelled against Helta beings and started..."

It could also do with some commas, which go in where you would pause slightly for breath (like "...planet Helta made robot’s, lots of them, to help..."). But a fullstop lesson will do for now.

It's very satisfying when you can convey your imagination well with words. Good luck!

[CommanderEVE]

thanks alot that helped that must took a long time to do that post ^^^^
any way i'll try my best and see what the stroy comes out like
BTW... that was just the interdution the real stroy is better writen and easyer to read but the battle secnes are kinda hard to read becuase the carttons in the stroy are all ways doing some damage on a another it's like dragonball z style... the stroy is deep and lots of action

[CommanderEVE]

Chapter 1: the start (introdution)

There was a planet called Helta. The people on the planet were very intelligent but the other planets didn’t believe them and said you stupid Helta beings! You’re not smart you’re just crazy! So planet Helta made robots, lots of them, to help Helta being out in every day life but it all went wrong in 1773. the robots rebelled against Helta beings and started a war because the Helta beings where bulling and being very nasty to the robots just because the they where different the robots got smart and made there own planet, they called it Delta because in Helta being language that meant warrior. Any-way, the delta beings fort a long 200 year war against Helta it ended in 1973. A Helta spy killed the main leader of delta army R.F. (Robot Force), witch was a big loss for delta. But Sparx, a delta being was built in 1963 to replace the dead leader, 10 years before the war ended. Delta won the war because they where far superior and advanced then Helta. Helta still think that it isn’t over, delta and Helta still struggle and battle each other to destroy each other. And here is the story.

how's that?... tell me what you think
i worked hard i have a feeling you guys will like it

[jeffbert]

Chapter 1: the start (introdution)

There was a planet called Helta. The people on the planet were very intelligent but the other planets didn’t believe them and said you stupid Helta beings! You’re not smart you’re just crazy! So planet Helta made robots, lots of them, to help Helta being out in every day life but it all went wrong in 1773. the robots rebelled against Helta beings and started a war because the Helta beings where bulling and being very nasty to the robots just because the they where different the robots got smart and made there own planet, they called it Delta because in Helta being language that meant warrior. Any-way, the delta beings fort a long 200 year war against Helta it ended in 1973. A Helta spy killed the main leader of delta army R.F. (Robot Force), witch was a big loss for delta. But Sparx, a delta being was built in 1963 to replace the dead leader, 10 years before the war ended. Delta won the war because they where far superior and advanced then Helta. Helta still think that it isn’t over, delta and Helta still struggle and battle each other to destroy each other. And here is the story.

how's that?... tell me what you think
i worked hard i have a feeling you guys will like it

I am really trying to be encouraging and positive about this, but you still have not told us what the other planets did not believe:

The people on the planet were very intelligent but the other planets didn’t believe them and said you stupid Helta beings! You’re not smart you’re just crazy! [/B]

Moreover, you still have no idea about punctuation. Even in this selection, there ought to be a comma between the 'intelligent' and the 'but'. You really ought to get a better grasp on English composition and spelling before posting your work. When you ask for help, you are just asking for too much, because there are too many problems with your writing. irate: The story itself may have some merit, but to present it us, we really need to see better English composition skills from the start.

Let me put it this way: There are rules of grammar by which we all must abide in order to communicate both efficiently and effectively. We want to convey the the most ideas with the fewest words. We want to be understood, but if we ourselves do not know how to write properly, we cannot expect others to appreciate our writing. I myself only acquired the skill long after graduating from HS. It seems that educators have devalued certain things that were at one time thought to be the very basics.
Get a copy of the little brown handbook. I made much use of my copy. When I took English Grammar in college, I got an 'f' on the 1st test. I could not diagram a sentence. Perhaps, I still cannot do it. Yet, I determined to improve myself.

If you still insist on trying to write your story, do this:

use an ordered list. put each idea on one line:

1. The people on the planet were very intelligent
2. but the other planets didn’t believe them

Now it should be clear that there is a problem with item #2. It clearly lacks something. Perhaps if you try this, you might be better able to see any problems. Plus, you can ask yourself how one item relates to another.

[DrFrag]

I liked it.

Your writing has improved already. Jeffbert has some good advice, but don't be discouraged if it feels like there's a lot to learn. It's like anything, you'll get better every time you work on it.

Are you going to add more? Maybe some details like what they look like?

[CommanderEVE]

I liked it.

Your writing has improved already. Jeffbert has some good advice, but don't be discouraged if it feels like there's a lot to learn. It's like anything, you'll get better every time you work on it.

Are you going to add more? Maybe some details like what they look like?

well i've done 6 chapters 7 pages in size 16 font and i don't know if i'n going to post the rest i've drawed pictures of all of the carttons in my story they look so cool