How Should I Deal With This Friend?

[Earthshine]

Normally I don't go posting my personal troubles online but for this I am at a complete loss and feel that I need input from many people that can act as a neutral ground in this.

I have a friend that I have known for about 13 years that has been troublesome lately. We've never been the best of friends, but have been good friends all throughout the time in which I have known her. I've let her cry on my shoulder for this reason or that reason, given her advice (that she DID follow) that helped her, I've never judged her for her poor choices in men or choices in actions that left her hurt and dirty, and through all that she has just been acting like a giant troll to me.

The first instance in her absolute troubling behavior began about two years ago when she got married, she wouldn't make me a bridesmaid at her wedding because she said that I "Looked too good and I always made her look bad and ugly". We got into a little bit of a scuff over that but eventually saw through it.

Then she began using my company as a means to benefit her; she invited me to camping trips simply because I was the only one with money to pay the fee and the only one with camping gear in general. She would refuse to invite me to her birthday parties or occasional social groups with our friends unless she knew that I could benefit her in some way some how. She still refuses to be seen with me in most public places because again "I make her look ugly".

She also is highly addicted to table-top roleplaying games, an issue that I brought to her attention that she refuses is a problem. I used to roleplay with her but swore her off because her stories bore me (she likes Zombie roleplays and capricious actions, such as a character suddenly dying for no reason or making an incredibly foolish move for their personality and intelligence in order to cause death and the like).

Sometimes when she does invite me to hang out with her, she'll blow me off for something else (like a roleplay with someone) or claim that she 'forgot' about it and she never understands why people get mad at her when she does this chronically. Even if I invite her to my house she'll initially agree to it, and then literally 5 minutes before she shows up, she'll call and cancel claiming that something else came up.

Last week I tried to get in contact with her 3 days in a row to help her with an art piece, and each time when I knocked on her door she was absent. She claimed each time that she was asleep and her alarm broke.

I'd like to just cut her off right now, but there is a hitch in this that I don't know what to do with. She was diagnosed with Schizo-effective disorder which is supposed to be a mild form of schizophrenia coupled with a mild form of bi-polar disorder along with ADHD all at once. I'd really like to call it hyper-active imagination because that's what the symptoms are supposed to be from what I've been told.

Should I just get her out of my life for how she's been treating me? (she's also highly jealous of my partner, she wanted to date my partner but couldn't get their attention). Or should I try to be more understanding with her disability?

All my friends that I know and see regularly say that I should just ditch her (most of them have) because she treats them the same way. If that's the case then it's not personal.

Maybe I'm too soft hearted but I want to try and salvage my friendship with her but it's impossible to talk with her. If you bring up anything that's negative about her now, she'll blame it on her condition and claim that it's not her fault in the slightest and she had no control. I find this hard to believe for all of her actions. Some yes, but not all. If you also upset her in any way, shape or form she will disown you as a friend for MONTHS before she realizes how much she really likes you and then patches things up.

Your opinions would help I'm sure. Especially if anyone has experience with someone with this condition.

Thank you.

[Tetsuwan Penguin]

I'm not a doctor, but is sure sounds like your friend needs treatment. It is likely to be a chemical imbalance of some kind that could be treated with the right drugs. The problem is getting her to accept the fact that she should be treated. I hope the condition isn't one that could lead to depression (and worse). I wish I knew what you should do in such a case, but maybe there is an expert who could advise you.

[Crazy_Red]

For the sake of your well being, I think it’s a good idea to cut her out. She sounds like a toxic and manipulative person. It’s alright to help someone but if this person is being emotionally abusive towards you, then you have every right to cut her off. I believe this applies to any abusive relationship regardless if the abuser is not or is mentally ill. Mental illness is no excuse for acting awful towards others.

As a person, you deserved to feel loved and respected.

[Tetsuwan Penguin]

For the sake of your well being, I think it’s a good idea to cut her out. She sounds like a toxic and manipulative person. It’s alright to help someone but if this person is being emotionally abusive towards you, then you have every right to cut her off. I believe this applies to any abusive relationship regardless if the abuser is not or is mentally ill. Mental illness is no excuse for acting awful towards others.
As a person, you deserved to feel loved and respected.

I would agree, but how would you feel if someone you knew was ill met with a terminal fate (maybe at their own hands) and you did nothing?

[Crazy_Red]

[QUOTE=Crazy_Red;212060]For the sake of your well being, I think it’s a good idea to cut her out. She sounds like a toxic and manipulative person. It’s alright to help someone but if this person is being emotionally abusive towards you, then you have every right to cut her off. I believe this applies to any abusive relationship regardless if the abuser is not or is mentally ill. Mental illness is no excuse for acting awful towards others.
As a person, you deserved to feel loved and respected.

I would agree, but how would you feel if someone you knew was ill met with a terminal fate (maybe at their own hands) and you did nothing?[/QUOTE]

A friend cannot change someone’s abusive behavior. It’s very unhealthy to do so. The abuser should want to change. They have to put an effort into it and get professional help. None one should be tolerant of emotional abuse or an abusive relationship no matter who is involved. This person’s behavior is toxic; I think it’s to the point that it’s up to the abuser and a professional to prevent her from harming herself. Not Earthshine's. If this person harms herself, Earthshine is not guilty. Earthshine should not feel obligated to take care of someone who is emotionally abusive towards her…

If the abuser is suicidal, then they need professional help and intervention. You can’t give this responsibility to one person (the friend). The issue is too complicated and big for that.

I have a friend who faced a similar situation. She was afraid of cutting them off because her abuser might have hurt herself. But she realised that she was being manipulated. She realised that she deserved respect herself and she cut the toxic "friend" off. She is much happier now.

I hope everything will be alright, Earthshine. I support you.

[Juanita]

I think you should just ditch this "friend" of yours. She obviously doesn't care about you, and only wants to be around you if it benefits her. Sure, she may have a mental problem, but this is no excuse to act this way. I have friends with mental problems, but they aren't stupid. They know that they shouldn't use their illnesses as an excuse to treat people like garbage.
This "friend" obviously thinks she can, and I wouldn't call her much of a friend at all.

[Earthshine]

I should have mentioned that she IS getting treatment for this condition, she was diagnosed with Schizo-effective disorder in November last year and has been on medication with therapy. There has been no real improvement in her behavior towards others and in fact is getting worse.

Her condition makes her extremely paranoid and delusional that people are trying to control and manipulate her. Her reoccurring delusion is that aliens are controlling everyone and want to harvest us...

It's just hard for me to deal with her because she's apparently 'sick' enough to warrant getting SSDI and is certifiably unemployable and it makes sense when I look back on her track record for school and work. She's never been in a job more than three days, and she's failed every college class she's attempted. I always thought it was just severe ADHD.

The problem is I can't tell if she's really trying to be malicious or not, and for me personally intent means everything. But I do agree that there are points in which enough is enough and to let go. I don't want her to be alone and divorced (a very likely scenario) but I also don't want to be treated like this every time I interact with her.

[jeffbert]

I offer my opinion completely free of charge (not that it is worth anything :lol :

I well know what it is like to know someone whom I really want to help, but who is not taking advice. You must decide what is more important to you: your own wellbeing, or your relationship to this abusive person. The fact that she is not to blame, is, as I see it, irrelevant. She is causing you pain. I would not cut her off completely, but merely avoid initiating contact. If she invites you to come over, you should consider her likely motive, & I would avoid going if I thought she was simply using me. Limit your contact to situations that you think put you on equal standing with her. If you bring something, she should also, etc. If there are none, then she has chosen to terminate the relationship.

I assume you have real friends & do not need her 'friendship.' I think that if you continue seeing her despite her abusiveness, you are exacerbating her problem, rather than helping her. If she wants friends, she should behave appropriately.

[Crazy_Red]

I should have mentioned that she IS getting treatment for this condition, she was diagnosed with Schizo-effective disorder in November last year and has been on medication with therapy. There has been no real improvement in her behavior towards others and in fact is getting worse.

Her condition makes her extremely paranoid and delusional that people are trying to control and manipulate her. Her reoccurring delusion is that aliens are controlling everyone and want to harvest us...

It's just hard for me to deal with her because she's apparently 'sick' enough to warrant getting SSDI and is certifiably unemployable and it makes sense when I look back on her track record for school and work. She's never been in a job more than three days, and she's failed every college class she's attempted. I always thought it was just severe ADHD.

The problem is I can't tell if she's really trying to be malicious or not, and for me personally intent means everything. But I do agree that there are points in which enough is enough and to let go. I don't want her to be alone and divorced (a very likely scenario) but I also don't want to be treated like this every time I interact with her.

I understand the thought of breaking off from a friend is very hard. I think it’s very understandable that you fear for this person’s well being if you leave. However, when the situation gets emotionally draining and toxic, it’s for the best to break it off. That is the consequence of treating people poorly (regardless of the person’s mental state). I don’t know this person personally, but if you stay, chances are that the person would continue to disrespect you. Like you said, there comes a time when enough is enough, and therefore, a line must be drawn. There’s a chance that the person won’t change if you cut her off but if you break off your friendship with her, then you will be free from her harmful behaviour.

Even though I don’t know this person, judging by what you said, her behaviour sounds very destructive regardless if she meant it or not. It sounds like her behaviour (regardless of intention) is emotionally draining.

In the end, decide what is best for your well being. I hope things will get better.

[avatargirl]

HI- I HOPE this is not bad advice but let her know you really care and will help her if you can but she must be willing to listen to you and trust you! THANKS FOR CARING EARTHSHINE! LET her know that is a hoax about the aliens! PRAY YOU AND HER AND EVERYONE ELSE THE VERY BEST EARTHSHINE!

IF I SAID anything wrong I apologize- pray everything turns out great!

HOPE we can be friends always EARTHSHINE and everyone!