Postby super_kim » 20 years ago
I haven't had time to read much yet, but what I have shows great developement of character and idea. Be careful when using trademarks like Pepsi, there may be copyright laws, maybe its safer if you have her drinking cola.
Also, I've noticed in your writing style, you are telling the reader a lot of things rather than showing.
For example your first paragraph is:
Michi was standing on a balcony, enjoying the sunset on the day of November 5th, 1951. Her name meant method, or, not yet known. The wind moved her dress, but her hair stood still, as it always did. She was not happy or sad, more like both at the same time. She was quite confused with herself about the happenings of the day.
Michi was three feet tall, had black hair, and large eyes. She wore black wristbands around her wrists, and a red dress with a white trim.
She looked back on her day, which she did not understand.
This tells the reader about Michi, rather than letting them see for themsleves, if you changed it a bit, the reader could more readily become a part of the story.
For example, you could change it to something like this:
A pink glow from the setting sun washed over Michis face as she stood on the balcony. A slight breeze ruffled her red dress, but curiously her jet, black hair stubbornly held its place. Her large eyes, stared not at the glorious sunset, but vacantly into the past, as she mused over the days baffling events.
This is just an example of showing rather than telling. Don't worry about describing everything about her in the first paragraph, you are writing a novel so you can take your time in describing characters in natural ways. You needn't mention her height until when she starts to feel self concious about it. You can mention what year it is later, setting and peoples attitudes should be a fair example to the reader of the time period.
Just, keep writing, the more you get down on paper the easier it will be to keep writing. Its a solid idea, with well founded characters that have strong personalities. Its a good story, just keep writing it.
Like I may have said, I've been typing this since September 2004 and... Now I feel like I've gotten nowhere. Aww 
. I guess I'm going to have to deal with that some other time. I think I have gotten a small idea for the title now, so that makes me just a little better feeling about myself. 
